I spent half an hour after work today eating stale pretzels until I decided they were too stale to eat. So I did the only reasonable thing I could: I got on my bike and took the pretzels to feed to some local “wild”life.

Conclusion the First: Mallard ducks are petrified of pretzels, and presumably anything pretzel-shaped. As the little treats floated down the river toward them, they swam for their lives. Come on. What’s less scary and more tasty than a (stale) pretzel? These ducks live in a stinky riverbed, but apparently beggars can still afford to be choosers.

Conclusion the Second: Squirrels are lazy ingrates. At least modern, urban squirrels are. I threw a lousy squirrel 15 pretzels, which he condescendingly sniffed with rodential disdain. When I broke one up into four pieces, he troubled himself enough to nibble half-heartedly on a crumble.

Per the results of this scientific study, I can only assume that modern wildlife are A. Not particularly wild because B. They have been too busy raiding the trashcans at local fine dining establishments to require my paltry offerings. Pretty soon my hummingbirds will want their swill made with Perrier.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 21st, 2008 at 9:07 pm and is filed under From the nation of Indig. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.